Why you should keep your judgment of my imperfect parenting to yourself.

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This post is dedicated to the uptight woman on a domestic flight who sat behind us and thought it was her job to judge our parenting. She gave herself the self-appointed duty to inform us that our children ruined the flight for everyone and that we should smack them.

Plus, all the others who think it’s okay to go about judging parents; friends, family members, and random strangers who have at times thought that voicing their judgment and disapproval at my parenting of my child’s behaviour, would somehow, make me feel better.

I’m sure most mothers, all parents, have experienced these unhelpful people. And re-experienced them again in memory form when they are next embarrassed at a public tantrum. Possibly in a stressful moment of chaos at home.

Short of shouting back at and swearing at these humans, I don’t know what to say to this particular kind of person. I tried talking back to the uptight woman, and all that came out was tight rage and swear words. To her delight. So she could throw it back at me as evidence as to why my little humans were so rotten.

So now, I say nothing. And I swallow the hurt, the shame, the resentment I feel towards the little beings whom I love more than anything else in the world. Only to have it flare up again and feed frustrated embarrassment, simmering in my stomach, when my child protests in public.

How judging parents can actually make things worse for children

People who go about judging parents – and most parents do feel those eyes burning into them when out in public – actually can worsen the situation for the child. Because it affects the way the parent feels.

As humans, we’re wired into what the greater tribe thinks. If we feel that the tribe doesn’t like us when the 4-year-old screams, we’re going to care more about their opinion than what’s going on for the child. As parents, we start to doubt our own instincts of what’s most important. Our children.

Parenting in public can start to feel like a doomed endeavour and that we should just stay at home until the kids are 16.

There will always be someone who has an opinion, who thinks it’s their right to go about judging parents. That the choices we make for our kids are wrong or that they could do it better. We’re either not disciplining them enough, or we’re being too harsh. If we start to worry too much about what others think we can easily disconnect from our little people, who need us to be tuned into them.

Not caring about what the judgers think is easier said than done when you’re tired and stressed, like most parents are.

It can be damaging for the children because those onlookers don’t know the whole story. Every child is so different and we’re more aware than ever now of the neuro-diversity that exists in the human population. With those differences comes different needs. What works for one child, just won’t touch the surface for another child.

And before you say ‘A good clip around the head never did me any harm‘ I suggest you look a little deeper into the research.

When you should intervene with parents and children

Of course, when a child’s safety is of concern, it’s a different matter.

I remember way back when my eldest was a boisterous 2 year old and I had to carry her to the car, kicking and screaming. A concerned lady followed me all the way – probably thinking I was abducting the child. When we got to the car, I called out to the lady that everything was okay. Surprisingly this switched my 2 year old’s difficult behaviour instantly.

Years later, I realise she was actually thinking of my daughter’s safety.

Thankfully, In New Zealand smacking is illegal. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. But it does give the law a tool to protect children in dangerous situations.

What I’ll say to myself the next time I feel those judgemental looks burning into me.

I’m definitely writing this post to figure out how to make myself feel better in these public parenting nightmare moments. Hopefully they’ll help you, dear readers, feel more supported and less alone too.

Instead of trying to have something to say to the judging onlookers, I think I’ll try saying these things to myself:

• Focus on what your child needs right now.
• Model for them how to care and be compassionate when others are going through tough moments.
• Maybe the judgers didn’t have compassionate parents themselves and don’t understand that you’re doing your best.
• Take a deep breath, talk to your child from a calm place.
• She can take as long as she needs to calm down. Don’t let those judging strangers dictate your parenting choices.

Related post: Top parenting strategies to keep me sane

Disclaimer; I’m not a doctor or medical professional. The words in this post are only my thoughts and opinions and if you choose to act on any suggestions those are your own decisions and responsibility.